Addicted

As I approached Holy Cross parish for mass this morning, I was humming one of my favorite songs. I was happy about a new encounter with my Lord today and beginning my day with him as usual. But as I got closer to the church, my heart sank for a moment. Did I miss something? I wondered. When was mass cancelled? I thought out loud. Suddenly I stopped singing and looked frantically for signs of people around the church. In particular, I looked for a little old blue Toyota car which belonged to an elderly couple that frequent the mass every morning. When I did not see it, I concluded that mass had been cancelled or postponed and I did not know it. The thought made me sad because I was looking forward to yet another great encounter with my friend Jesus in the Eucharist. I just have to have my daily dose, I said. Nevertheless, I decided I would go into the church anyway to pray, mass or no mass for an hour because it is my time with the Lord. However, as soon as I opened the front door, the huge church bell started to ring and I quickly yelled “YES!!!” and quietly went inside.

I have been a Christian all of my life and have always gone to church but have never been this in love with Jesus. Looking back, I see a huge difference in my faith journey. I my understanding of Jesus’ love for me has grown and deepened. As a child, perhaps I had associated Sunday masses with putting on nice Sunday outfits and eating rice which was the traditional meal cooked every Sunday when I was growing up. Perhaps growing up, I even emulated St. Paul whenever I would chide my friends for committing “mortal” sin against God by not coming to church the previous Sunday. As a child, I kept a good list of my “sins” and went to confession every Saturday so I would receive communion the following Sunday. I did what I assumed was right, did what I thought was love. But now I know that my obsession with showing God how much I love him was grounded in my fear of his judgment and impending punishment in Hell. I despised my shortcomings and assumed that I God saw me the same way I saw myself.  Whenever I was sick or something goes wrong in my life or family, I would see it as punishment from God for some sin I have committed.  

Thank God for opening my eyes to see that my relationship with him begins by discovering his love for me. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. (I john 4:10) God wants us to always remember his unconditional love. God does not want us to seek his love but to receive his love and freely share it with others. Until we recognize and accept God’s undeserving love of us, we will continue to miss the point like I did as a child.

There is always a longing that comes from experiencing the goodness of the Lord. I am addicted to Jesus because his love compels me, continues to invite me to respond to him. I love it and it makes all the difference in the way I see myself. My constant awareness of God’s presence continues to lead my mind back to him over and over again. I know that when I set the Lord always be before me (psalm 16:8), then I am more confident of myself and is less likely to worry about making mistakes for God has promised to show me the way of life, and grant me the joy of his presence and the pleasures of living with Him forever. I will always remain addicted to Jesus for then my soul will rejoice in the LORD and delight in his salvation (Psalm 35:9)