As
I approached Holy Cross parish for mass this morning, I was humming one of my favorite
songs. I was happy about a new encounter with my Lord today and beginning my
day with him as usual. But as I got closer to the church, my heart sank for a
moment. Did I miss something? I wondered. When was mass cancelled? I thought out
loud. Suddenly I stopped singing and looked frantically for signs of people around
the church. In particular, I looked for a little old blue Toyota car which belonged
to an elderly couple that frequent the mass every morning. When I did not see
it, I concluded that mass had been cancelled or postponed and I did not know
it. The thought made me sad because I was looking forward to yet another great encounter
with my friend Jesus in the Eucharist. I just have to have my daily dose, I said.
Nevertheless, I decided I would go into the church anyway to pray, mass or no
mass for an hour because it is my time with the Lord. However, as soon as I
opened the front door, the huge church bell started to ring and I quickly yelled
“YES!!!” and quietly went inside.
I
have been a Christian all of my life and have always gone to church but have
never been this in love with Jesus. Looking back, I see a huge difference in my
faith journey. I my understanding of Jesus’ love for me has grown and deepened.
As a child, perhaps I had associated Sunday masses with putting on nice Sunday
outfits and eating rice which was the traditional meal cooked every Sunday when
I was growing up. Perhaps growing up, I even emulated St. Paul whenever I would
chide my friends for committing “mortal” sin against God by not coming to
church the previous Sunday. As a child, I kept a good list of my “sins” and
went to confession every Saturday so I would receive communion the following Sunday.
I did what I assumed was right, did what I thought was love. But now I know
that my obsession with showing God how much I love him was grounded in my fear
of his judgment and impending punishment in Hell. I despised my shortcomings and
assumed that I God saw me the same way I saw myself. Whenever I was sick or something goes wrong in
my life or family, I would see it as punishment from God for some sin I have
committed.
Thank
God for opening my eyes to see that my relationship with him begins by
discovering his love for me. This is love: not that we loved God,
but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. (I john 4:10) God wants us to always remember his
unconditional love. God does not want us to seek his love but to receive his love
and freely share it with others. Until we recognize and accept God’s
undeserving love of us, we will continue to miss the point like I did as a
child.
There
is always a longing that comes from experiencing the goodness of the Lord. I am
addicted to Jesus because his love compels me, continues to invite me to
respond to him. I love it and it makes all the difference in the way I see
myself. My constant awareness of God’s
presence continues to lead my mind back to him over and over again. I know that
when I set the Lord always be before me (psalm 16:8), then I am more confident
of myself and is less likely to worry about making mistakes for God has
promised to show me the
way of life, and grant me the joy of his presence and the pleasures of living
with Him forever. I will always remain addicted to Jesus for then my soul will rejoice in the LORD and
delight in his salvation (Psalm 35:9)